A guy says to his buddy… I got a call from a kidnapper yesterday…
He said $50,000. OR …you’ll never see your wife again.
The buddy says… Wow… What did you do?
The guy says… Well… they were both tempting…
BUT I DECIDED TO TAKE THE MONEY!!!!!

Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station.
Investigators have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She about poked my eye out.

So, I decided to start a professional hide-and-seek league.
But it was a total failure.
Good players are just so hard to find.

What did Beethoven become after he died?
A decomposer.

What do British people say when they're worried about you?
UK

What brand of shoes do chickens wear?
REE BOK BOK BOK

If a person buys 75% of the shares of a vampire hunting business, are the main stakeholder?

I dressed up as a screwdriver for Halloween.
It wasn't the best costume, but it turned a lot of heads.

A man on stage gives a speech: “All men who are afraid of their wives, come up here.”
All the men in the audience, except for one, go up to the stage.
The speaker turns to the only man still seated and says, “Wow, so you’re not afraid of your wife? Respect!”
The man replies, “My wife told me not to move from this seat until she comes back.”

I just found out my mother-in-law voted for Kamala.
That's the last time I go to the cemetery to visit her.

Did you know elon musk is launching a satellite to apologize to the aliens?

He's calling it Apollo G

Why did Webster write the dictionary? It's because his wife was always saying "And what's THAT supposed to mean?

A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

What is a kangaroo's favorite thing about beer?
The hops.

I put a high-voltage electric fence around my property.
My neighbor is dead against it.

For my birthday, the kids gave me an alarm clock that swore at me instead of buzzing. It was a rude awakening.

I told my husband I wanted to donate my clothes to starving people. He said “anyone who fits into your clothes isn’t starving”…………………..that’s how the argument started.

The day they were handing out patience I left because it was taking too long.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
Algebra is like a divorce.
You look at your X and wonder Y.

Got my wife a pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes, and the rolls of fat....The dog seems to like her.

I was so upset this morning when my wife told me my 9-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She said I need to pay more attention at the school pick-up.

Two potatoes are standing on a corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute? It has a sticker that says, "Idaho."

Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian if they have a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödingers cat. She replied that it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

An elderly couple are killed in a car accident and go to heaven. St Peter is giving them the grand tour
where they are shown the most beautiful golf course he's ever seen. The husband bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" his wife asks- " you love golf". The husband sobs and says - "I know! You and your Stupid
wheatgrass juice and tofu; we could have been here ten years earlier!"

I started making a belt made entirely of watches, but I realized it was just a waist of time.

My wife always accuses me of having the worst jokes.
One day, I heard a joke so funny that I left work early just so I could rush home and tell my wife.
It was so funny that even the guy hiding under the bed laughed.

A man tells his lawyer that he wants to divorce his wife because she hasn't spoken to him in 6 weeks.
The lawyer asks, "are you sure?" "Women like that are hard to find!"

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

A son, father and grandfather were talking
The son said "I like women who wear glasses. When they take them off its like having two women"
The father says "And once they take off their makeup, its like having 3 different ladies"
The the grandfather says Oh thats nothing. They lose their meds and you will get at least a dozen"

Today I was at Barnes and Noble and I asked the clerk if they had Trumps
new book on how to deport illegal immigrants.

She immediately said "Get the hell out, and don't come back."

I said---"Yes, that's the one! ... do you have it in paperback?"

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law

What type of cheese is Cristian?
Swiss because it is holey

What is proper attire to wear to church?
Holey jeans