Two friends are sitting around laughing hysterically after the one friend told a joke..
His friend says… That’s a great joke. It’s really funny.
His buddy says… Yeah, that is a really good one…
I told that joke the other night at the pub and everybody laughed!… I was so excited that I went home EARLY to tell the joke to my wife….
I went upstairs and climbed in bed with my wife and told her the joke… She didn’t laugh!
The friend says you’re kidding…
The buddy says that’s OK…
THE GUY HIDING UNDER THE BED DID!!!!!

My husband found a cockroach in the kitchen today. So he cleaned all the cupboards, washed the walls, and mopped the floors.
Tomorrow I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

A wife tells her husband that he needs to do more chores around the house.
The husband ask, "can we change the subject?"
The wife says, "OK. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

I was reprimanded at my new job today for asking a customer, "Smoking or Non-smoking?" Apparently the correct terminology is, "Cremation or Burial?"

My son asked how I can remember so many Dad jokes.
I told him I keep them in a Dad-a-base.

Some time ago outside the DNC convention there was a kid selling kittens
and he was yelling "buy democrat kittens", he sold a few.

A week later the kid stood in the same place selling more kittens and
this time he was yelling "buy republican kittens". One man who had seen
this kid a week before confronted him, "wait a minute, you were selling
these kittens as democrat kittens last week, how come they are now
republican kittens?"

Kid replied "These kittens have now opened their eyes".

What is the strongest animal living in the ocean?

Mussels

What did Burt’s wife say when he asked if she wanted dessert ??

Sherbet

A 5-dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says…..

"Hey, this is a Singles Bar."
What do you call a moose with no name?

Anony-moose

I was going to start a taxi service and call it “Oldsmobile”.

I told my husband I wanted to donate my clothes to starving people. He said “anyone who fits into your clothes isn’t starving”…………………..that’s how the argument started.

The day they were handing out patience I left because it was taking too long.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

What do you call a potato with glasses on ?
A spec-tator

A guy tried selling me a coffin yesterday…
It’s the last thing I need.

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) Then says, how the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

My wife came home from the store tonight with deer food.
She was trying to save a few bucks.

Why wouldn't the dad buy his kids scissors for school?
He didn't want them cutting class.

What kind of a vehicle would a pig drive?
A pig-up truck.

What do you call a witch with a rash? An itchy-witchy!

What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which!

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the crib and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect 20/20
Johnny replied 'That's good cos he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!'

What do you call a Christopher in a monastery?

Chip Monk

What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over? Dough balls.

A policeman calls into HQ, “I’m in a home, the wife just shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor.” HQ asked whether he had taken the woman into custody. ”Not yet. The floor is still wet!”